There’s something I’ve been reflecting on lately that seems small on the surface, but over time can quietly damage a marriage. For many months now, my wife has asked me to lie down next to her at night.
Sometimes she would say:
“I hope you come to bed with me tonight.”
And too often, I would brush it off.
In my mind, I had reasons. I told myself I was trying to produce more income for our family. Sometimes that was true. Other times, if I’m being honest, I was just scrolling on my phone, wasting time. Either way, the result was the same:
She was reaching out… and I was rejecting her.
Not angrily. Not loudly. Just repeatedly.
At first, it didn’t seem like a big deal. One late night turned into two. Two turned into four. Four turned into ten. Before long, months had gone by, and I stayed up while my wife went to bed alone. And eventually, she stopped asking as much. That should have concerned me more than it did.
The Wake-Up Call
This morning, my wife showed me a social media post from another husband talking about this exact issue. He shared how his wife had asked him for months to come to bed with her. I believe he said it had been around eight months of asking. Then one day… she stopped asking altogether.
When he finally noticed and asked her about it, she told him:
“I stopped asking because I felt embarrassed. I kept asking, and you kept saying no.”
That hit me hard.
Because I realized I was doing the same thing to my wife.
Even if I could justify my reasons at times, the truth remained: someone I love kept reaching for connection, and I kept choosing something else.
The Problem Was Bigger Than Sleep
This really isn’t about bedtime. It’s about intimacy. And I don’t just mean sexual intimacy.
There’s a closeness that happens when a husband and wife simply lie next to each other. Talking. Laughing. Unwinding. Being near one another after a long day. Those moments matter more than we realize.
Especially in a large family, it’s easy to crave alone time. For me, the quiet hours after the children go to sleep started to feel like “my time.”
But in protecting my alone time, I was unintentionally neglecting my wife. Slowly, subtly, we started feeling more like roommates than best friends.
Not divorced.
Not constantly fighting.
Not on the brink of disaster.
Just disconnected.
And honestly, that kind of distance can be dangerous because it creeps in quietly.
Scripture talks about “the little foxes that spoil the vines” from Song of Solomon. Most marriages aren’t destroyed overnight by one giant event. Often, they’re weakened little by little through repeated moments of neglect, rejection, distraction, or disconnection.
What I’m Trying to Change
I don’t want a marriage where we simply pass each other in the hallway, sit down for meals together, and then go our separate ways.
I want closeness.
Friendship.
Warmth.
Connection.
So here are a few things I’m personally trying to implement that may help someone else, too.
1. Set a Cutoff Time
Work has no natural stopping point anymore. There will always be another email, another video, another task, another scroll. At some point, we have to intentionally say:
“The phone goes down. The work stops. My spouse matters more.”
Even 30 intentional minutes together matter.
2. Change the Mindset
I can convince myself I’m staying up “for the family.” But what good is producing more income if, in the process, I neglect the relationship that holds the family together?
Proverbs reminds us:
“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” — Proverbs 15:17
Connection matters more than comfort.
3. Speak Appreciation Out Loud
Sometimes marriages slowly dry out because encouragement disappears. Tell your spouse what you appreciate about them.
Not just once.
Regularly.
A healthy marriage needs affection, gratitude, and kindness to stay alive.
4. Make Time Together Enjoyable
Time together shouldn’t feel like an obligation.
Laugh.
Talk.
Dream.
Pray.
Relax together.
The goal isn’t merely proximity. It’s a connection.
5. Seek Help If Needed
If spending time together feels difficult, emotionally heavy, or unwanted, it may be wise to talk with a trusted pastor, counselor, mentor, or therapist.
Sometimes deeper hurts are hiding underneath surface habits.
There’s wisdom in getting help before small cracks become deep divides.
Final Thoughts
When a spouse repeatedly reaches out and continually experiences rejection, eventually they may stop asking.
That isn’t contentment.
It’s often quiet discouragement.
And those quiet moments can slowly erode intimacy over time.
The “little foxes” matter.
The small habits matter.
The repeated choices matter.
A thriving marriage is rarely built through grand gestures alone. More often, it’s built in ordinary moments of intentional presence.
Lying down next to your spouse may seem like a small thing.
But sometimes the smallest moments are the ones holding everything together.
I’m still working on this myself. But I want my wife to know she matters more than my distractions, more than my scrolling, and even more than my endless desire to “get one more thing done.”
And I think that’s a lesson worth remembering.
— jPrimus
